Building a Life

The truth of the matter is, I doubt the strength of Leo and I's relationship far more often than I will ever admit to anyone. Maybe it's just a side effect of who I am, but every time I do something that I'm not, myself, happy with, I start to wonder why he's with me. And that's not even talking about the stupid stuff that I do with a regularity that amazes even me.

Mel and I, we recently got into a fight. Not an issue on its own, but I got more angry than I'd been in awhile and I left. She left, too, going in the opposite direction. Which left Leo stuck in the middle. I don't know what I expected, when I came home, but I think I got what I deserved. Until the end.

I was fine with the beating. I was fine with the silent treatment. I was even, honestly, fine with being kicked out. It was when he pulled up something that is near to my heart and used it against me, that's when I started to doubt. And that's when I got scared. Not that I would ever admit that to him, but he scared me.

I don't like not being in control unless the situation, itself, is controlled. This wasn't. And I had nowhere to turn. How do I explain to him that what he said had more of an effect than anything he had physically done to me? How do I tell him that I get scared about the future when he does stuff like that? I don't have any idea how to make him listen.

Sometimes, I don't even know if he cares.

Sometimes, I wish I didn't.

[291 words]

Dear Leo and Mel,

I know that you both are convinced that I am lazy in all things, so this letter might actually come as a shock. I am actually going to go to the trouble of spelling everything out correctly. I understand that this is not the way that I normally talk, but I just wanted to remind you both that I can be far more articulate than I tend to be.

Now that I've taken care of that, on to the real letter.

Letter writing is a lost art. We, as modern humans, talk about doing it, but we never do. Instead, we sit down at our computers and send e-mails, which can be terribly impersonal. Or we text message and lose the meanings of things. We just don't write letters anymore. And we should.

I love you both with all my heart. Between the two of you, you've brought me back from the brink. I was standing at the edge, looking into a deep, dark hole when you both came into my life. I was less than a step from what would have ended up being a heroin overdose when I allowed either of you to start caring for me.

I know I'm Hell to live with. I'm moody and erratic, pushy and selfish. But you both just roll with it. That means a lot. It means a lot that you don't leave, that you listen to me even when I'm not making any sense. I know I've had my moments of being an amazing disappointment, but neither of you have held that against me for more then a few days.

Leo, you bastard, you are the most wonderfully selfish, conceited, amazing man I have ever met. I cannot imagine my life without you in it. Knowing that you will always be there, no matter what, has kept me going more than anything else. You don't put up with my shit and you don't pull your punches. Sometimes your stubbornness infuriates me, then you turn that amazing smile on me and I'm done. I cannot stay mad at you for long. I need you too much for that.

Mel, mother of our child, you are a gift. Who would have ever guessed that one afternoon with cake and a motorcycle ride would turn into what we have? I know that I wouldn't have. Not in a million years. And yet, here you are, so much a part of my life that I can't imagine you anywhere else. Waking up and seeing you, waking up and finding a woman in my bed, makes every day a miracle. I don't know what I did to deserve your love, but I am grateful to have it.

We three are about to embark on another stage of life. With the doctor's appointment coming up, this will be that much more real. We're having a baby. We are going to be responsible for the life and upbringing of a child. Individually, I don't believe any of us could handle it. Together, nothing in the world can stop us.

I love you. Both of you. As corny and cliche as it sounds, I will love you both forever. No matter what.

Love,
Bobby

[541 words]

Discuss a habit you have that your partner may not approve of.

A habit I got that he don't like? Hell, where do I start the fucking list? He don't like my brooding, he don't like my doping (which I ain't even doing now), he ain't a real big fan of my singing along to 80s rock. But, really, I think the habit that gets him the most if my habit of getting all bent when he does something that I've done myself.

Yeah, yeah, he don't like my hypocrisy. Can't say as I really blame him. Truth to tell, I ain't a big fan, either. But it's part of who I am and I hate thinking of changing who I am for anyone. Yeah, maybe a hundred years from now, I won't be. But I will have changed because it was something I wanted to do, not something I'd be pushed to do. Course, he ain't gonna call it pushing, he'd call it strong encouragement. Either way, only gonna do it cause I wanna, not cause I go forced into it.

Yup, my husband ain't a fan of my telling him to stop fucking other people while I turn 'round and do it. Kinda funny how that annoyed him. Guess that's why we had to come to some kinda agreement about it. Fucking's fine. Just no falling in love. And no spending the night. Sleeping's just for us to do together.

Well, us and Mel. She's really warm when she's in the middle. And she's one person we just kinda agreed to both be in love with. It's almost like having a family, the three of us. But she's the exception. And she's the habit both of us got that the other don't really mind. Great minds and all that shit.

[290 words]

There ain't a damn thing that can make ya ready for what I have now. Ya parents ain't ever gonna sit ya down and say 'son, one day, ya gonna find a guy who's immortal and ya gonna fall for him.' And they sure as shit ain't ever gonna say 'and that boyfriend, and his quick temper, are gonna get ya immortality.' There just ain't no way to be ready for something like that.

Being as ill-prepared as I am has, naturally caused some difficulties. It ain't enough that we're divinely bonded. Oh no, that bond is mental and emotional. I get moody and it gets him moody. I gotta be careful 'bout sitting up after he's gone to sleep and thinking, cause I stray too far in those thoughts and it wakes him up.

I know parta this bonding was to teach him a lesson, that he needs to learn to think of others and quite being so selfish an ass. But it seems that it is to be my lesson, too. With him so easily affected by my moods, I gotta learn to get this shit under control, too. If I don't, ain't neither of us gonna sleep.

Course, an upside to being bonded is that we ain't gotta talk, out loud. There's a head trip I wasn't ready for, being able to hear him in my mind. Sure as shit wasn't ready for that, no way to be. 'Nother thing mom and dad just never told me 'bout.

Living here, being with him, it's been a whole other kinda experience. Wasn't never one to believe in God or gods. Wasn't never one to believe in living forever or psychic abilities. All that shit, turned on its ear, and I wasn't quite ready. But now I've been linked to two gods, met people who are gonna live forever and become one myself, and heard the low purr of my lover's voice without him ever opening his mouth.

Wasn't ready for any of that shit. But I got it all now. And damned if I ain't, overall, pretty fucking happy 'bout it.

[355 words]

[ooc: Junkyard Dog AU. Strong content and language. Internal musings of an unconscious man.]

"There are a lot of ways to say I love you. Fucking is the fastest."

Sometimes, I don't know why I bother. The guy's a fucking asshole. Womanizing, unfaithful, arrogant, self-centered... No. Not self-centered, narcissistic, asshole. I've not felt so strongly about another person in a long time. I want to kill him.

I want to not be in love with him. All that will happen is me getting hurt. Nothing else can come of it. Just like with Simon, I'll be left broken and even more apathetic than I am now. I really have no idea if that is even possible, to be more angry and hateful of the world than I am now.

But it all comes down to the same thing. It all comes down to the sex. He is a great lay. Powerful, strong, unyielding, and mine. When it is just us in that room, nothing else matters. In that room, with him under me, it is so easy to believe that the rest of the world doesn't exist.

When he's under me, it is easy to believe that he loves me back.

[174 words]

Bobby had plenty of time to think about distance these days. His boyfriend, if he could be called that, lived three hundred miles away, and he couldn't just drop everything to go see him. The distance and their respective jobs made the time they were apart hard on Bobby. He hated feeling like he did, dependent on another person, but he was not willing to entertain the idea of trading it.

As he packed for his weekend trip to Pennsylvania, he found himself thinking about the words that were pushing at him. He had come close a few times in the last week to telling Finny that he thought he was falling in love. Each time, the fact that he could not see the older man's face stopped him before he said it. It was something that needed to be said face to face. And it was something that needed to be said.

Would the distance stop Finny from believing him? Or would his words just sound hollow, forced platitudes that Finny would just think Bobby felt obligated to say. Bobby thought that maybe the professor felt the same way and was scared to say it, too.

He had said he would go to a meeting with Bobby and that meant the world to him. Maybe that was Finny's silent way of saying it. Otherwise, why go to an NA meeting with a guy he only wanted around to sleep with.

Bobby couldn't remember the specifics of the funeral. But he'd been to enough of them to know the order of things. Afterward, he changed into riding clothes and set off on his journey. He had the entire five hour ride to think about what he would say to Finny. And to think of all the ways it could go wrong. Nothing like a little distance to skew your perspective.

[313 words]